Everything About Nothing Shop
Trivia about Seinfeld - Season 3
John Randolph originally played "Frank Costanza" in the episode "The Handicap Spot". But for syndication they re-filmed scenes from this episode with Jerry Stiller. In each version of this episode, George can be seen peeking at a "glamour" magazine.
David, Larry (I) was the original voice of Newman in "The Revenge" but Knight, Wayne overdubbed the voice for syndication.
The "Restaurant" exterior belongs to "Tom's Restaurant" ("Tom's Diner" from the Suzanne Vega song), near the Columbia University campus in Manhattan at 113th & Broadway.
Jerry tells a polygraph examiner that his address is "129 West 81st Street".
The character of Cosmo Kramer is based on Kenny Kramer, a man who worked across the hall from co-creator David, Larry (I). In a self-confessed move to cash-in on the sitcom's popularity, Kenny Kramer formed the "Kramer Reality Tour", an officially-recognized New York City tour which visits the real-life locations often featured in the sitcom. In the 1997 season of "Seinfeld", Cosmo Kramer's memoirs are published by J. Peterman as his own. Wanting to make the most of the situation, Cosmo Kramer starts a "Peterman Reality Tour", offering a tour of the real-life locations featured in the memoirs.
In the very first episode, the first conversation was between George and Jerry about a button. In the very last episode, when they were sitting in jail, the last conversation they had was the same thing about the button.
The "Soup Nazi" is based on the actual owner of a take-out soup business in Manhattan on W. 55th St, between Broadway and 8th Ave.
Seinfeld's college friend Mike Costanza (who served as a partial model of the character[and name] of George Costanza) appears as an angry truck driver in the episode, "The Parking Space".
The inspiration for the Suzanne Vega song, "Tom's Diner" is based on an actual diner of the same name in Park Slope, Brooklyn, New York.
In the episode "The Sniffing Accountant," Kramer said he likes the idea of staking out in the car and one day he might be a private investigator. After Seinfeld, Michael Richards plays a private investigator in the "Michael Richards Show, The" (2000).
The backwards episode "The Betrayal" is based on a Harold Pinter play "Betrayal" which also uses the same gimmick. Sue-Ellen Mishkie's fiancée in the episode is named Pinter in tribute to the playwright.
In the episode "The Face Painter", Mark DeCarlo plays a character named Alec Berg. Alec Berg is the name of one of the show's writers and executive producers.
Jerry Stiller plays George's dad. Ben Stiller ( Jerry Stiller's son ) is married to Christine Taylor, who guest starred on the show as Jerry Seinfeld's girlfriend.
In the episode where Elaine dates a man named Joel Rifkin, she tries to have him change his name, since Joel Rifkin is also the name of a brutal serial killer. One of the initial suggestions for a new name was O.J. This episode was shot in 1993, a year before the O.J. Simpson murders.
• We find out in "The Dog" that Elaine has lived in New York since 1986.
• In Jerry's apartment, he has a picture on the wall of a black Porsche 911 catching air going over a hill. In real life, Jerry is an avid Porsche fan and collector.
• In the final episode of the series, the trial pays homage to Inherit the Wind (1960). Particularly, the scene where the attorney discusses how many important people will descend upon their little town, because the case is so high profile.
• Voted top TV series of all time, beating out #2 "The Honeymooners" and #3 "I Love Lucy" in list of 50 shows chosen by TV Guide editors April, 2002.
• Jerry Seinfeld turned down an offer from NBC that would have made him $110 million for a tenth season of the show.
• ABC Entertainment executive Lloyd Braun lent his name to character appearing in three episodes, The Non-Fat Yogurt, The Gum, and The Serenity Now, a neighbor and nemesis of George Costanza.
• The character of Lloyd Braun (George's childhood neighbor, and rival) is played by multiple actors, though they have very similar looks, so it's not often noticed.
• In one episode they spoof the JFK magic bullet theory, Knight, Wayne also appeared in JFK (1991)
• The episode where Newman grills Jerry about mail fraud is a parody of Basic Instinct (1992). Knight, Wayne appeared in that film.
• The costume department of "Seinfeld" always fitted Jason Alexander (George) with an outfit that was one size too small. This was done to make him look "uncool."
• In the episode where Kramer options his coffee table book for a movie and moves to Florida, several newspaper headlines are featured as he runs for condo council president. In smaller print on these pages, other headlines read, "Larry David Gets Hole In One", "Larry David Injures Elbow", and "Larry David Never To Play Golf Again".
• As Kramer became more popular, his entrance applause grew so prolonged that the cast complained it was ruining the pacing of their scenes. Directors subsequently asked the audience not to applaud so much when Kramer entered.
• Larry Miller (I) was one of the original choices to play George Costanza. Miller is featured in the episode "The Doorman" as the doorman.
• In the episode "The Parking Garage" Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer spend the episode trying to find their lost car in a parking garage. The episode was supposed to end with the four of them driving around not being able to find the exit, but while shooting, the car wouldn't start, resulting in the revised ending.
• Larry David (I) , Co-Creator and executive producer, appears several times throughout the series. He is the voice of George Steinbrenner, The Man In The Cape (Frank's Divorce Lawyer) and the owner of a newsstand. He was also one of the last voices heard on the show, as the "I'm gonna cut you!" prisoner at the very end of the final episode.
• Tom's Restaurant is actually located in 112th and Broadway.
• In the Episode "The Big Salad" (#6.2), Elaine gives her phone number as "KL5-2390", and Jerry protests that that's actually his number. ("KL5" translates as the infamous "555" exchange.)
• In light of the anthrax scares in the US in late-2001, the planned syndicated rerun of the episode "The Invitations" (originally aired on 16 May 1996) on 22 Oct 2001 was cancelled. Since that time, it has been reported (on summer 2002) that the episode has reappeared in some markets.
• When the final episode aired on May 14, 1998, the TV Land network honored the occasion by airing no programming in the show's timeslot. Instead the network just showed a still photo of a closed office door.
• At Jerry Seinfeld's high school, Massapequa HS on Long Island, there was a teacher named Mr. Bevilaqua - he was the wrestling coach there. In one of the episodes Jerry had a race that was officiated by Mr. Bevilaqua.
• In the episode "The Pilot", when the actors audition for roles on "Jerry," the lines they read for the characters of Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer are from actual episodes of Seinfeld, including "The Deal" and "The Note".
• In the episode where George thinks someone stole his glasses from the gym lockerroom, he is eating a bag of Rold Gold pretzels. At the time, Jason Alexander was a spokesman for the product.
• In an initial episode, Jerry calls Kramer, "Kessler". The character's name was subsequently changed to Kramer. In the episode "The Betrayal", towards the very end when we see the scene from "Eleven Years Earlier", Jerry is moving into his apartment, and Kramer comes over to welcome him. Jerry says: "You must be Kessler, I saw your name on the buzzer", to which Kramer replier, "No, it's Kramer."
• There is an image of or reference to Superman somewhere in every episode.
• Several movie videos can be seen at Jerry's stereo shelf including Child's Play 2 (1990) in the later seasons.
• While they are waiting in the Chinese restaurant, Jerry lists the many people that will be getting phone calls as a result of him being seen there. One of the included people was his sister. His sister has never appeared on the show, nor is she ever referenced again.
• The apartment used for exterior shots of "129 West 81st" New York is not actually in New York at all, but is 757 New Hampshire Ave., West Hollywood, California. There's a Taco Bell directly across from it.
• In the series finale, Kramer suggests that he, George, Elaine, and Seinfeld, do a musical such as "...Bye Bye Birdie, or My Fair Lady." Jason Alexander, who plays George, did in fact star in the TV Movie of Bye Bye Birdie in 1995 as Albert Peterson.
• In one of the episodes, Jerry is walking down the street with one of the buddies, and in the background, there's a building with a sign on it that reads, "Kal's Signs". Jerry Seinfeld's real life dad's name is Kal, and he really made signs for a living.
• The famous Seinfeld fictions (George's psuedo career as an architect, the fictional importer/exporter, and the fictional Art Vandelay) are introduced in "The Stakeout".
• The night before the final episode, ABC aired an episode of "Dharma & Greg" (1997) in which the couple tries to have sex in public because everyone will be indoors watching the "Seinfeld" finale.
• In one episode the gang goes to a movie called "Prognosis Negative". "Prognosis Negative" is a script that series co-creator Larry David (I) sold in the '80s that was never produced.
• The series may not have an opening credits sequence, but in the episode "The Pilot" the series "Jerry" does.
• George Costanza's middle name is Louis, mentioned in the episode, "The Truth".
Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.
George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
George Costanza: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George Costanza: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
Answering the phone
Jerry: If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?
George Costanza: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.
Jerry: All right, all right.
Jerry: Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?
Newman: As a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry: Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame.
Newman: Hello Jerry, may I come in?
Jerry: HELLOOOO, NEWMAN.
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
George Costanza: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?
Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
Jerry: That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.
Cosmo Kramer: Yo Yo Ma.
Jerry: Oh, this is interesting...
everyone takes a look
Cosmo Kramer: Yo yo ma.
Jerry: Boutros Boutros Ghali...
Elaine: Nice rack.
Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?
Elaine: All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour.
Jerry: You're serious?
Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Jerry: Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to.
Blaine: What was bad about The English Patient?
Elaine: Only that it sucked.
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
Looking at Elaine's Christmas card (photo by Kramer)
Jerry: I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see... a nipple.
George Costanza: You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
Cosmo Kramer: Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.
Jerry: I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Car Rental Assisstant: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here, that's why you have the reservation.
Car Rental Assisstant: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
George Costanza: You're really moving to California?
points to his head
Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.
Elaine: I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.
Cosmo Kramer: A hot bowl of mulligatawny would hit the spot.
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, it's a delightful Hindu concoction simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.
Elaine: Who, the Soup Nazi?
Cosmo Kramer: He's not a Nazi, Elaine. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.
Cosmo Kramer: If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.
Newman: I'm a United States Postal Worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy, come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. Every day it piles up, more and more and more, and you've got to get it out, and the more you get out, the more keeps coming in. And then the barcode reader breaks. And it's Publisher's Clearing House...
Jerry: All right, all right.
Jerry: You can't keep avoiding her.
George Costanza: Why not? If she can't find me, she can't break up with me.
Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
At Yankees batting practice
Hits a home run
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Costanza: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.
George Costanza: In six games.
George Costanza: I'm speechless. I have no speech.
Cosmo Kramer: They're redoing the Cloud Club.
Jerry: Oh, the restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? That's a good idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is, it's my idea.
Jerry: Which part, renovating the restaurant you don't own part, or spending the 200 million you don't have part?
Jerry: Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good - what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again.
Rental car representative: Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.
Jerry: You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
Jerry: You know it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
George Costanza: Yeah, yeah, I see the irony.
Jerry: You will be stunned.
Elaine: Stunned by soup?
Jerry: You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.
George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
George Costanza: Whatever.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball
George Costanza: I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.
Jerry: You have made some good exits.
Jerry, Marla, George, and Stacey meet
Jerry: George, Marla.
George Costanza: Marla.
Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey.
Jerry: George, Stacey.
George Costanza: Stacey.
George Costanza: Jerry... Marla... Stacey!
George Costanza: I love you, Jer.
Jerry: Right back at you, slick.
George Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating... THAT'S a fantasy camp.
Cosmo Kramer: ...that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then... *glugh*.
Jerry: I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
George Costanza: (to jerry) they forgot my bread.
Jerry: (under his breath) Just forget it, let it go
George Costanza: Excuse me sir, you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread 2 dollars extra
George Costanza: But everyone else got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please
Soup Nazi: 3 DOLLARS. NO SOUP FOR YOU.
about a free sub card
Elaine: It's like a bad movie but you want to finish it.
Jerry: No, you walk out.
Elaine: It's like a bad book but you want to get to the end.
Jerry: No, you wait for the movie.
George Costanza: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George Costanza: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.
discussing George's ATM code
George Costanza: I am not giving you my code.
Cosmo Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it. Oh, all right. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. All right, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you? You're a portly fellow. A bit long in the waste band. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours... is a sweet tooth. Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master - the cocoa bean. No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you! you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
running out the door
Cosmo Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Cosmo Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Cosmo Kramer: But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.
Jerry: To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.
At a health club, in the sauna, Kramer is hot and flushed
Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio.
George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
George Costanza: Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
George Costanza: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
George Costanza: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
George Costanza: Jerry, what gives you pleasure?
Jerry: Listening to you. I come in here, I listen to you, I feel better. Your misery is my pleasure.
George Costanza: Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.
George Costanza: I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.
George Costanza: When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure.
Staff meeting at J. Peterman; Anna, one of Elaine's employees, enters wearing George's Yankee jacket
Elaine: Anna, whose jacket is that?
Anna: It's mine.
Elaine: Oh really? Because it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear.
George Costanza: My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well.
Newman: Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information.
George sees two women holding hands in a video store, one of whom is his ex, Susan
George Costanza: It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you.
Susan Biddle Ross: And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman.
George Costanza: Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation - I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?
Susan Biddle Ross: I know who I'm talking to.
George Costanza: Of course you do.
Susan has become a lesbian
George Costanza: About your... metamorphosis. When did it happen?
Susan Biddle Ross: About right after I broke up with you.
Jerry: I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.
George Costanza: I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
Noel: I am breaking up with YOU.
George Costanza: You can't break up with me, I've got Hand.
Noel: And you're going to need it...
At the Puerto Rican Day Parade
Elaine: We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.
At the Puerto Rican Day Parade
Jerry: You can't just leave the group.
Elaine: Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios.
phone rings and George's answering machine comes on while he's home
Cosmo Kramer: You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
George Costanza: Let me tell you something Jerry. A man without hand is not a man. I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves.
Jerry: This isn't a good time.
Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back sir?
Jerry: I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
Telemarketer: Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
hangs up the phone
Frank Costanza: Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way.
Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.
Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.
George Costanza: No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there.
Jerry: They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry.
George Costanza: Blackberry, boysenberry.
Jerry: Boysenberry, huckleberry.
George Costanza: Huckleberry, raspberry.
Jerry: Raspberry, strawberry.
George Costanza: Strawberry, cranberry.
Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right, that's enough.
Jerry: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you.
Jerry: Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
Cosmo Kramer: Not as many as there used to be.
Jerry: The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.
George Costanza: What IS a barometer?
Cosmo Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.
George Costanza: You've been living a lie? I've been living like twenty.
Cosmo Kramer: I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
Jerry: Crook eye?
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Cosmo Kramer: EVIL eye.
Cosmo Kramer: What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year.
Jerry: It's your third day.
Leaning out the door
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, can you keep a secret?
Elaine: No sir, I can't.
Cosmo Kramer: Hoochie Mama.
Jerry: People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, we're talking to Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new movie "Elaine Does the Upper West Side".
making a toast
George Costanza: What is that?
Frank Costanza: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW"
George Costanza: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank Costanza: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
Lloyd Braun: You should tell your dad that "serenity now" stuff doesn't work. It just stores up all your anger and then, eventually, you blow.
George Costanza: But you were in a mental institution.
Lloyd Braun: What do you think put me there? Serenity now... insanity later.
Jerry: Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Kramer and Morty are running for Condo President
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
George is munching on pretzels from a bag
to George, who is wearing women's glasses
Cosmo Kramer: That's a lotta potatoes.
Jerry: Yada, Yada, Yada.
George Costanza: You don't think she'd yada yada sex?
George Costanza: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
George Costanza: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
Jerry: Where's Marcy?
George Costanza: She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.
Cosmo Kramer: You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.
Jerry: I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.
Jerry: You know you're not Chinese.
Jerry: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.
Jerry takes Newman's mail route so Newman can get transfered to Hawaii
Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier.
Jerry: I tried my best!
Newman: *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform.
Newman rips USPS patch off of coat
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
looks at torn patch
Alton Benes: Which one's suppose to be the funny guy?
pointing at Jerry
Jerry: I'm just a regular person.
George Costanza: No, no. He's just being modest.
Elaine: My father thought George was gay.
Jerry: It must have been the singing.
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay.
Jerry's girlfriend: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack.
Jerry: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza.
seeing Elaine's dance at an office party
Jerry: What are you saying?
Elaine: I'm not saying anything.
Jerry: You're saying something.
Elaine: What could I be saying?
Jerry: Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something.
Elaine: If I were saying something, I would have said it.
Jerry: So why don't you say it?
Elaine: I said it.
Jerry: What did you say?
Jerry: I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall?
George Costanza: You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox?
George Costanza: Yeah, why not, what do I care...
Jerry: Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes.
Elaine: I think it would be romantic.
George Costanza: Really?
Elaine: Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
Jerry: Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
George Costanza: I like DeSoto.
Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do?
George Costanza: He discovered Mississippi.
Jerry: Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
Elaine: Is it possible I'm not attractive as I think I am?
Jerry: Anything's possible.
Kramer has a vanity plate, "Assman", and parks in a reserved hospital zone
Security guard: Excuse me.
points to his license plate
Elaine: You were born in Italy?
Frank Costanza: Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM.
George Costanza: You're killing independent George.
Jerry: Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Giddyup.
Jerry: Now, get out.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you got insurance, right?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why not?
George Costanza: George is gettin' upset!
Jerry is in a confessional booth
Jerry: Father, I've never done this before, so I'm not sure about what I'm supposed to do.
Priest: All right, my son. You can start by telling me your sins.
Jerry: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest: Well that's no sin,.
talking about being on the dating scene
Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there.
George Costanza: No, you're not.
Estelle Costanza: Yes I am.
George Costanza: No, you're not! Because I'm out there, and if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in the universe to electroshock me back into coherence.
Jerry: Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal.
Cosmo Kramer: It's not illegal.
Jerry: It's against the law.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, yeah...
Jerry: Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life.
Elaine: Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?
Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine.
George Costanza: Celia is up for parole.
looks at George
looks at Kramer
both look at Jerry for an explanation
Jerry: I'm too tired.
two noisy people behind him in cinema
Girlfriend: George maybe we should move away.
Stands up and turns around to address the noise-makers
George Costanza: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats. Where trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again I'm gonna take you outside and show you what is like. Do you understand me? Now shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would LOVE IT.
George Costanza: So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving... The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else?
Jerry: Because you're *not* a dermatologist.
imitates his girlfriends' bellybutton
At Tim Whatley's party
At Tim Whatley's party
Elaine: This place is like Studio 54, with a menorah.
Jerry: That... is one magic loogie.
Jerry: I prefer to do my own material.
Cosmo Kramer: That's as good as anything you do.
George trying to find a parking space
Elaine: Why don't you park in a garage?
George Costanza: ...Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.
Cosmo Kramer: It's a Festivus miracle.
Kramer gave blood to Jerry
Jerry: I can feel his blood in my body, borrowing things from my blood.
Jerry: Hello, 911? How are ya?
At the diner
takes a bite
Jerry: Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms.
George Costanza: Are you going to eat that?
Jerry: No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it.
walking over to a party at a Chinese restaurant
Jerry: Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?
Cosmo Kramer: They want to know how come they never see you.
Elaine: You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual.
George Costanza: Doesn't help.
Jerry: Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge.
George Costanza: This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend.
Jerry: Well, your friend is morbidly obese.
George Costanza: Well, at least I don't carry a purse.
Jerry: It's not a purse, it's European.
Jerry: So, Putty, you're selling cars now. No more being a grease monkey.
David Putty: I don't much care for that term.
David Putty: Ever see a monkey put together an engine?
Jerry: No... I saw one who used sign language.
David Putty: ...Yeah... I saw that... Cocoa.
Jerry: Yeah, Cocoa.
David Putty: Yeah, Cocoa... That chimp's all right. High five.
Jerry: I'm not wearing the fur coat.
Cosmo Kramer: Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building.
Cosmo Kramer: Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around.
thinks for a few seconds
Cosmo Kramer: Come on.
Ronny K: I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her.
Jerry: Damn right. It's time we stop being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand.
Ronny K: I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me.
Jerry: Well, that shouldn't be long...
Cosmo Kramer: I thought you said she stinks.
Jerry}: She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
in Jerry's apartment
Jerry: Why did you have to open your big mouth?
Cosmo Kramer: What?
Jerry: George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this.
Cosmo Kramer: You're just mad because you're having a bad day.
Jerry: Yes. Because of you.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, in that case I think one of us should leave.
Kramer and Jerry stare at each other and don't move
George Costanza: In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker".
Jerry: A house in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
Kramer walks in with cigars
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time.
George Costanza: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that coffee table book I wrote?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, the company sold the movie rights to it.
George Costanza: How are they going to make that book into a movie?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day".
Jerry: Oh. So, how much are they paying you?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time.
Jerry: That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm officially retired.
Jerry: From what?
George peed in a public shower
George Costanza: It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal.
Jerry: Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?
Jerry: You know, I never expected that movie...
Lisi: To end under water.
Jerry: To be so long. Usually movies like that...
Lisi: Are a lot more violent.
Jerry: Are a lot shorter.
Lisi: I should...
Jerry: Get going.
Jerry's kitchen is full of sausages
Jerry: What's this? You said you were watching a video.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage.
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?
Jerry: Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?
Jerry notices an art book on the table
Jerry: What is THAT book doing on the table?
Elaine: What? What is wrong with this book?
Jerry: That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom.
Elaine: ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through.
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books - The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine.
Elaine: But, Mr. Peterman, I...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, I have a question for you - is the item still with you?
Elaine: I guess so...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.
Cosmo Kramer: No, she was completely topless.
George Costanza: How good of a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George Costanza: Say you were to describe her to a police informant.
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
lighting up a cigarette, talking to a bar patron
Jackie Chiles: You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove.
Jerry got his dad a shirt that says "#1 Dad"
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me.
Jerry: You know, I bought you a Cadillac... Twice.
Knock on door
opens door, and sees three Cuban guys
Cuban Man: Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars?
Cuban Man: What cigars?
Jerry: Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans.
Cuban Man: Yes. We are the Cubans.
Jerry: Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love broccoli. It's good for you.
Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
Newman spits it out
Newman: Vile weed!
Cosmo Kramer: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.
Jerry: Walk away?
Cosmo Kramer: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.
Jerry: Isn't there a deductible?
Cosmo Kramer: All right, what is your deductible?
Jerry: I don't know.
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, because they've already deducted it.
Jerry: From what?
Cosmo Kramer: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.
Jerry: We're not leaving the car.
Cosmo Kramer: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.
Jerry: I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
Jerry: 1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass.
Elaine: A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?
George Costanza: Yes, you. You and every woman like you.
Jerry: So, did they get tired of Koko yet?
holds up a baseball t-shirt that reads "KOKO 00"
Jerry: Zero zero?
George Costanza: That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa.
the last lines of dialogue of the last show are the same as the first lines of dialogue of the pilot
Jerry: See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza: Really?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land.
George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George Costanza: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
Elaine: So you think Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't know how to change the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy I understand...
George is wearing a toupee
Elaine: YOU'RE BALD.
George Costanza: Correction. I WAS bald.
George is planning to name his 1st child "Seven"
Jerry: Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life.
a bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars
George Steinbrenner: So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?
about David Puddy
Puddy is wearing a bright orange jacket with an 8 ball on it
Elaine: What's this? What happened to your fur?
David Puddy: I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball.
Elaine: So you're going to wear this all the time?
David Puddy: All signs point to yes.
George Costanza: I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker.
Jerry: The Daily Worker has personals?
George Costanza: And - get this - they said that appearance wasn't important.
Jerry: Yours or hers?
Cosmo Kramer: See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier.
Jerry: And a deadbolt.
Elaine: Where's Kramer?
Jerry: Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo.
George Costanza: Only I could fail at failing.
George is buying a wig
Jerry: Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with?
Newman: I propose... AN ALLIANCE.
Jerry: An alliance?... Deal.
Jerry and Newman share an evil laugh
stops laughing abruptly
George Costanza: What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?
Jerry: You do make good comments.
George Costanza: So?
Jerry: Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting.
Jerry: I know.
talking about his whale expedition
pulls out a golf ball
Cosmo Kramer: Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh.
Frank Costanza: My son isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank Costanza: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank Costanza: You saying you want a piece of me?
grabs George's wig
George wants the nickname "T-Bone"
George Costanza: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. From now on, I will be known as...
Kruger: Koko the Monkey.
George Costanza: But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?
Jerry: So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?
George Costanza: Flame on.
Izzy Mandelbaum: Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian.
Jerry: Actually, I am a comedian.
Izzy Mandelbaum: That's not funny.
David Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
George is on his hands and knees, looking for change under a vending machine
George Costanza: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up.
Jerry: Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth.
Frank Costanza: I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona.
Cosmo Kramer: You're becoming one of the glitterati.
George Costanza: What's that?
Cosmo Kramer: People who glitter.
Kramer and Newman are playing Risk
Elaine: What's that?
Jerry: It's the game of global domination being played by two men who can barely run their own lives.
Jerry: Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you.
George Costanza: But they seemed so disorganized...
George is wearing prescription goggles
George Costanza: I got to get out of this city.
Jerry: So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth?
George Costanza: Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work.
Jerry: I've never had a job.
Elaine is trying to prove that Jerry always breaks even
Elaine: Do you have a twenty?
Jerry: What for?
Elaine: Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.
Jerry hands Elaine a twenty and she throws it out the window
Jerry: You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back...
George Costanza: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
George Costanza: You're a good friend. If you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in.
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody, would you turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you don't just go around killing people.
Jerry: But you know me!
Cosmo Kramer: I thought that I did.
George Costanza: You know what this is to do with? The man in the cape - I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry: You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I stand by and let you say anything bad about him...
George Costanza: All right - Superman's the exception.
Jerry: Why didn't you tell her your code?
George Costanza: I can't give away my code to her.
Jerry: George, you're gonna marry this woman... probably.
George Costanza: No way. The bank clearly says "Don't give away your code to anyone".
Jerry: So, you're taking relationship advice from "Chemical Bank" now?
George Costanza: Why does it always have to be "us"? Why can't there be a little "me"? Is that so selfish?
Jerry: Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
Jerry: So your saying UNICEF is a scam?
Cosmo Kramer: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.
Everybody at Kruger is exchanging Christmas gifts
gives George his gift
George Costanza: Thank you, sir. Here's your gift.
George Costanza: Exactly.
Jerry: Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there.
Elaine: So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable?
Elaine: So how are all these people gettin' together?
George Costanza: I gotta call Elaine.
Jerry: She's out.
George Costanza: Oh, yeah. The blind date.
Jerry: They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free farm-fresh eggs.
George's new self-appointed nickname is T-Bone
Jerry: Why not "G-Bone"?
George Costanza: There's no G-Bone.
Jerry: There's a g-spot.
George Costanza: HEY. That's a myth.
Elaine: Jerry, it's B.O.
Jerry: But the whole car smells.
Jerry: So when somebody has BO, the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.
Cosmo Kramer: I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman.
Jerry: Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made.
George Costanza: So I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy before.
Jerry: Why not? You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George Costanza: Yes, yes, yes...
Jerry: The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George Costanza: OK, the point is made.
Kramer covers himself in butter
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I'm fried.
Jerry: Technically, you're sautéed.
George is thinking of starting his own charity
George Costanza: This could be my chance to give something back.
Jerry: You want to give something back, start with the $20,000.
talking about his love of the word "manure"
George Costanza: When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing.
Jerry: You know, I don't get it. Since when are you not allowed to ask a Chinese man where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we getting a little too sensitive here? If someone asks me, "which direction is Israel," I don't go flying off the handle.
Jerry: So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you.
George Costanza: They could've at least tried...
Jerry: No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute.
George Costanza: How much are you paying this maid?
George Costanza: $40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing.
George Costanza: Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans.
Jerry: Those belong to people.
George Costanza: You could always move in with my parents.
Elaine: Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?
George Costanza: Instinct.
Elaine: Stick with the opposite.
Cosmo Kramer: Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand.
Jerry: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
George Costanza: And to think I'd fail at failing...
Jerry: Aw, come on, now.
George Costanza: I feel like I cant do anything wrong.
Jerry: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again.
Jerry: That's the spirit. You suck.
Jerry: It's Jerry. Who's this?
Valerie: It's Valerie.
Jerry: Oh hi, Valerie. What's up?
Valerie: I'll tell you what's up - my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you.
Jerry: Wow, poison control? That's even higher than number one. Hello?
Kramer wants to watch a video in Jerry's apartment
Jerry: Why don't you watch it at your place?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN.
Jerry: You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate.
Newman: What? I love broccoli.
Jerry: Oh yeah? Taste.
Newman tastes the broccoli and spits it up
Newman: Vile weed.
Jerry: You got the job?
George Costanza: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there, th-they're treating me so great. You know, they think I'm handicapped. They gave me this incredible office, a great view.
Jerry: Ho-Hold on, they think you're handicapped?
George Costanza: Yeah, yeah. Yeah well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me.
Jerry: Ho-How can you do this?
George Costanza: Look, Jerry let's face it. I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal.
Jerry: Is she?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh you better believe it buddy.
Jerry: Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing.
Cosmo Kramer: Well don't look at me.
Jerry: It's your fault.
Cosmo Kramer: My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.
Newman: You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
Newman's Girlfriend: I could listen to you talk all day about mail.
Newman: I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless.
Kramer wants to use George's car to rescue a "pig-man" from the hospital
Cosmo Kramer: You got room for the pig-man?
George Costanza: The pig-man can take the bus.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.
George Costanza: How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted.
Jerry: Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months.
Girlfriend: You're insane.
Jerry: Oh yes, quite.
Jerry: Of course, it's a sliding scale.
Jerry: I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it.
Girlfriend: When were you going to tell me this?
Jerry: Obviously never.
Jerry: George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex... I've got a cockfight to focus on.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.
to rickshaw pullers
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, where's he going?
Newman: I think he's stealing our rickshaw.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh then he's out.
Jerry: Patty wants me to be more emotional and express my feelings.
George Costanza: What do you care what she thinks?
Jerry: Good body.
Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell.
Jerry: That seems about right.
Dr. Siterides: Wow, restaurant. Flowers...
Jerry: Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business?
Dr. Siterides: It's fine.
Jerry: Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man.
Dr. Siterides: What is with you?
Jerry: You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD.
Elaine is trying to put a store out of business
Jerry: Still a ripoff.
Jerry is checking out an upper-class apartment
Sales Woman: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should let you know that we've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.
Jerry: Not Pennypacker.
Sales Woman: You know him?
Jerry: I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen.
Mr. Ross: I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children.
George Costanza: Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do.
at a New York Marathon party
discussing the possibility of Elaine moving into Jerry's building
showing him up
yelling out the window
George Costanza: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...
George is talking about himself in the third person
George Costanza: I think it's time for George's lunch.
George Steinbrenner: Yes, it is. Let's see what I got today. Ham and cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I love that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me.
George is buying invitations
Sales Clerk: Have you been in here before?
George Costanza: About a year ago. Wedding invitations.
Sales Clerk: How did that work out?
George Costanza: No complaints.
Jerry: George, I am loving this no wallet thing.
George Costanza: A man carries a wallet.
Jerry: You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something.
Elaine changes the presets on Puddy's car
George Costanza: So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo?
Elaine: I did.
Jerry: And the Christian rock?
Girlfriend: Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?
Girlfriend: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
Jerry: All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody.
Morty Seinfeld: We just came for the funeral.
Helen Seinfeld: Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early.
Jerry: He was 96 years old.
Morty Seinfeld: And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape.
Jerry: So how's the fornicating gourmet?
George Costanza: Doing quite well. Yesterday for lunch, I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. Now, if I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.
Jerry: George, we're trying to have a civilization here.
Jerry: I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
George Costanza: What is a gander, anyway?
Jerry: It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it.
Kramer's face is haggard from smoking
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer... but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
Jerry: And your teeth... they're all brown.
Cosmo Kramer: Look away. I'm hideous.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, they botched my vasectomy?
Jerry: They botched it?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm even more potent now.
Jerry: You're giving up that easily?
Newman: I usually do.
Jerry: Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too.
Jerry: You with these too?
George Costanza: I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method - he jumps.
Jerry: Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich.
Jerry cries for the first time
Jerry: What is this salty discharge?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe.
Jerry: I hear that all the time.
Jerry: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.
Elaine: People ask me that about you all the time.
Jerry: Yeah, because I'm thin, I'm single, and I'm neat.
George Costanza: Guess that leaves me in the clear...
George Costanza: Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends...
Jerry: What is his stand... on abortion?
Elaine: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice...
Jerry: How do you know?
Elaine: Because he, well, he's just so good looking...
Jerry: Well, you should probably ask, because if he's coming over with those Paccino's Pizzas, could be trouble...
George Costanza: And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine.
Jerry: That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add...
about to go watch an operation
Jerry nearly drowns the pool guy
Elaine: How can you show your face around there?
Jerry: Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there.
Elaine's boyfriend is poor
George Costanza: Who is this, Blue Arrow?
Elaine: No, the Green Lantern.
Jerry: His superpower is lack of money.
Elaine: All right.
Jerry: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine: We get it.
Jerry: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
George collides with an Andrea Doria survivor
Cosmo Kramer: The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket.
George Costanza: How do you know?
Cosmo Kramer: It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died.
George Costanza: 51 people? I thought it was more like 1000.
Cosmo Kramer: There were 1,560 survivors.
George Costanza: That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?
George Costanza: I got to go home and take a nap.
Jerry: It's 10:30 in the morning.
George Costanza: I'll tell you, I am wiped.
Jerry: Why are you buttering your face?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm shaving with it.
Jerry: Oh Moses, smell the roses.
Kramer starts the Peterman Reality Tour
George Costanza: I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Cosmo Kramer: Talk to me.
George Costanza: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.
Cosmo Kramer: Understand?
Jerry: Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
Jerry: I could ballpark...
Kramer has an intern
Intern: Mr. Newman on line 2...
Jerry: Line 2?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your phone is line 1.
Cosmo Kramer: See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum.
George and Kramer are going to test Kramer's bladder system
George Costanza: Did you get the video camera?
Jerry: Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial.
Cosmo Kramer: You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora."
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well, she had one too.
Elaine: Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?
Jerry: I'd say when the nipple makes it's first appearance.
George Costanza: And I got a job interview. It's in sports.
Jerry: Mets? Rangers?
George Costanza: Playground equipment.
Jerry: Welcome back to the show.
George Costanza: I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today.
Jerry: Didn't you call in sick yesterday?
George Costanza: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care... and it shows.
Elaine Benes: Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.
Jerry: No, there's less.
Jerry: Oh right, the new job. How is it?
George Costanza: I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm.
Jerry: So who's the new you?
George Costanza: We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.
Kruger: The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do?
everyone begins laughing
Elaine: Why does everything have to be so... jokey with you?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
Jerry: Who knows where she gets any of those losers...
George Costanza: You're on that list.
Elaine: I got shooshed during Desperado.
Jerry: Desperado? And you're still dating him? I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado...
Cosmo Kramer: What do you use for decoration?
Frank Costanza: An aluminum pole. I find tinsel distracting.
Jerry's girlfriend has a huge toy collection
Jerry: WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit...
Girlfriend: Jerry, what are you doing?
Jerry: I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.
George Costanza: We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure.
George Costanza: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
Explaining why Elaine won't be accompanying him to Africa
J. Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium.
J. Peterman: That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.
George Costanza: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face.
George Costanza: I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?
George Costanza: More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music.
Kramer is playing opera music on Jerry's stereo
Jerry: What the hell is that crap?
Cosmo Kramer: It's Pagliacci, Jerry.
Jerry's on the phone with the cops
Jerry: But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye.
George Costanza: They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry.
Jerry: Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour.
Cosmo Kramer: Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag.
cut to a taxi
David Puddy: Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?
Elaine: We have to break up.
David Puddy: What?
about Elaine dating Puddy
Cosmo Kramer: She's dating him again?
Jerry: She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.
Frank Costanza: I am not allowing my wife to date a bra salesman.
Estelle Costanza: Hey, he only sells them, he doesn't wear them.
Tim Whatley converted to Judaism
Jerry: Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.
Elaine comes in wearing Mayan clothes
Elaine: Shove it.
Jerry: What's with the get up?
Elaine: I bought it all at 'Cinqo De Mayo'. I wanted to show 'Fu De Mayo' how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day.
Jerry: No wonder we've been getting so much rain...
after a long discussion about Pez
George Costanza: What's a three-letter word for "candy"?
Jerry: I can't do those things.
Jerry: Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes.
Elaine: Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21.
Jerry: Elaine, booze isn't a religion.
Elaine: Tell that to my father...
after Kramer tells everyone he is dating a lesbian
Jerry: She has never been with a man in her entire life.
Cosmo Kramer: ...I'm Kramer.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished.
George Costanza: Here's the outlet.
Slippery Pete: The what?
George Costanza: The outlet. Where the electricity comes from.
Slippery Pete: Oh, you mean the holes.
George Costanza: You've got to apologize.
George Costanza: Because its the mature and adult thing to do.
Jerry: How does that affect me?
Cosmo Kramer: You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the Boogie Man is coming RIGHT AT YOU.
Jerry is dating a gymnast
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Jerry: Boy, you can really talk some trash.
Jerry: I guess that's better than eating it.
Jerry: Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night.
Elaine: I know. I woke up with this.
points to her newly-pierced nose
Jerry: Oh. Hello tetanus.
Elaine: David and I will not get back together.
Jerry: Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
George Costanza: All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance.
Jerry: You've made some fine exits.
George's parents are getting a divorce
Jerry: It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal.
George Costanza: A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry.
Jerry: You walk around with no underwear.
George Costanza: Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry?
Jerry: I do a wash.
George Costanza: Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?
Jerry: Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning.
Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you.
Jerry: Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is. I picked it out myself.
Jerry: Well, you picked out a rooster.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.
George is eating all the shrimp
Riley: Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp.
George Costanza: Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you.
Riley: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.
George Costanza: Yeah well... I had sex with your wife.
Board member: His wife is in a coma.
Cosmo Kramer: I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning.
Elaine: I don't understand - you were wearing the pants you were returning?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I guess I was.
Elaine: What were you going to wear home?
Cosmo Kramer: Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there.
Cosmo Kramer: Mmm... boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch
Elaine's boyfriend as seen a photo of her with her nipple exposed
Elaine: Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul.
Kramer is putting butter on his face
Jerry: What the hell are you doing?
Cosmo Kramer: I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?
Cosmo Kramer: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.
Cosmo Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret.
Katya (the gymnast): In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian". You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian.
Stand-up on birthdays
Jerry: All you did was not die for twelve months!
George Costanza: I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!
Elaine tries to convince Joel Rifkin to change his name
George Costanza: I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man.
pretending they haven't seen each other in years
George Costanza: So, what've you been doing with yourself?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
George Costanza: Yeah, well... I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah...
Jerry: Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?
Jerry: That's a shame.
Jerry: Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo!
about George's Gortex coat
Cosmo Kramer: You'd better be careful with that coat... You'll start a war!
Elaine: It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for?
Jerry: But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home!
Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!
Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months?
Newman: What's the catch?
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Newman: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts... and a comb!
Elaine: Well, you know, I... I have watched Peterman run the company.
Cosmo Kramer: Sure you have.
Elaine: I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.
Jerry: It didn't do me any good either! That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: "Avast ye matey" - what the hell does that mean? "20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!" -there's no comeback for that!
Tony: I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
Jerry: The washer fluid is fine...
Tony: The washer fluid is not fine!
Cosmo Kramer: Is this oak?
Mr. Lager: Think it's pine.
Cosmo Kramer: Pine is good.
Mr. Lager: Yeah, pine's okay.
Mr. Lager: Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling: You got a greeting, starts with an H, how's twenty bucks sound?
Cosmo Kramer: I'll take it.
Mr. Lager: Awright, sir
George Costanza: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
George Costanza: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What, you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No. Like when you're in a pool... afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frigthened turtle.
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George Costanza: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
quietly, sipping coffee
Cosmo Kramer: Keith Hernandez!
Newman: Keith Hernandez! I despise that man!
Jerry: But are you still master of your domain?
George Costanza: I'm king of the county. You?
Jerry: I'm lord of the manor.
Cosmo Kramer: Congradulations!
Some woman: What for?
Cosmo Kramer: You're pregnant... You're not pregnant?
Cosmo Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
George Costanza: He's right! It's the same thing with the femenists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
Elaine: What does that mean?
George Costanza: Yeah! All right, I'm pulling in.
Susan Biddle Ross: I don't see why you can't just use a condom.
George Costanza: Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.
Susan Biddle Ross: Why?
George Costanza: I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock."
George Costanza: So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.
George Costanza: This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.
Elaine: Is it?
Quotes & Trivia (Courtesy of the Internet Movie Database)
Seinfeld - Season 3 (2004)
Actors: Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Ruth Cohen. Directors: Jason Alexander, David Steinberg, Joshua White, Tom Cherones
23 episodes on four discs Box set, Closed-captioned, Color, Dolby, Dubbed, DVD, Full Screen, Subtitled, NTSC. Language: English (Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo), French (Dolby Digital 2.0), Spanish (Dolby Digital 2.0). Subtitles: English, Spanish, French, Portuguese. Number of discs: 4. Studio: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment. DVD Release Date: November 23, 2004. Run Time: 505 minutes
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